The Song of the Ainur | A Parody by CMG Lucero

In the Beginning was Eru, who because he was bored created his own orchestra, the Ainur. So the Ainur sang and sang, accompanied by lutes and viols and harps, sometimes alone, sometimes in duets, sometimes in small groups, but never together.

 Melkor, mightiest of the Ainur, had the most unusual musical gifts, but was bored by simple classical instruments. Sure, he liked them, but he thought they could be more. So he invented the genre Heavy Metal! He liked the way the guitars--which before just played classical--became distorted when made electric. So pleased and proud was he that he set up his own band. Sauron was his ever-loyal vocalist, with the Balrogs on guitars and drums. 

The other Ainur, however, the ones who enjoyed only classical, said Melkor was simply distorting the music. Some even claimed what he made was not even music. And thus it came to pass that at this point, Iluvatar raised his left hand. 

Furious at his humiliation, but determined to have his music stick it up to The Man, Melkor sat down and composed Power Metal. In the greatness of his mind and his music and his band, he unleashed its fast upbeats, singing of fair realms and ladies and dragons and castles and other things Nightwish and Stratovarius sing about. Melkor enjoyed it tremendously, and its effect on his classical-loving fellows. And Melkor laughed his evil Bwahahaha! for the first time.

Now Iluvatar was secretly amused, but he did not show it. He raised his right hand, and Melkor's "noise" was subdued. The Ainur were relieved, finally that stupid heavy metal was gone! But Melkor was even more humiliated, and was determined to have his revenge....

...and he conceived of Death Metal, and Thrash, and Deathgrind... all those things that depict gore and bloodlust and death inevitable... the Ainur were in despair! 

Now this time, Iluvatar was mad. Melkor had gone too far! His symphonic orchestra was turned into something quite.... savage. He raised his two hands therefore. 

"Mighty are the Ainur, and mightiest among them is Melkor; but that he may know, and all the Ainur, that I am Iluvatar, and those things ye have sung, I will show them forth, that ye may see what ye have done. And thou, Melkor, shalt see that no theme may be played that hath not its uttermost source in me, nor can any alter the music in my despite. For he that attempeth this shalt prove but mine instrument in the devising of things more wonderful, which he himself hath not imagined..."

And thus Melkor, father of metal and whose musical genius was unappreciated by his fellows, became the lord of darkness. But then, everything has a place in Iluvatar's mind... so death metal just had to be part of music.